Two-Month Status Update

This past thursday marked two months of my "new life" in Perú. As I've mentioned in the previous blogs, its been an incredible period of growth and discovery. Upon recalling my life in the US, I must say everything seems very distant, even difficult to imagine. In the past few weeks I've been reflecting and categorizing much of my experience in Perú, and beyond that, many experiences through out my life. I've gotten a little behind on my blog (if by chance you're not an avid reader and haven't noticed), which has not been due to a lack of material to blog about (if anything an overload). Since there are so many activities and experiences I could write about, I decided it would be better to just write a "Two-month-Status-Update," in which I will talk about where I'm at, what I've discovered, where I'm going, and it will probably include some activities and experiences.

I had a moment of reflection, perhaps a little over a week ago, where I saw things with a much clearer lens. The realization was actually more to do with my lens being fogged. My first month down here, while being rich with personal discovery, still left me feeling foreign to reality in many ways; I've felt ungrounded. I feel like I am starting over in nearly every aspect of my life: language, identity, daily chores, related myself to others, etc. Furthermore, there several weakness in which I've grown in enormously the past few years, and upon arriving here I am starting over. 

Firstly, I realized that I'm not someone different than I was in the U.S., and I've needed to consciously recall several things that I've learned about myself over the past few years and be that person here too (so I'm not starting over). 

On the other hand, considering I'm in another culture that speaks a different language with a new daily routine and intense community life around me, I am starting over in some ways. That is, on another level. It's kind of like the next set in volleyball: the score is cleared, but it's not like the previous set didn't count. Also I'm seeing how far I have to go, how many sets remain. Its interesting after a period of growth you begin doubting what's next, if there's anything else God could do in your life.. 

A few things I'm learning:

1. We are called to a level of conversion/holiness/freedom/authenticity that I didn't know was possible before (I didn't even realize I didn't believe it was possible). For example, lie down on your back and try holding your feet a foot or so off the ground for as long as you can. Well, what is "as long as you can"? You always have more than you think, especially when you set a goal with others to hold you accountable. It the similar way, how holy should be be? What level of freedom are we called to? Even with the words of Christ in the back of our mind ("Be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect"), we learn to accept weaknesses/vices/fears as they are, and we become set in our minds with what we think is "all the better it can get," and though it may sound dramatic, effectively a "learned hopelessness". 

2. The second, related to the first, is that I've found community life to be extremely helpful, and even necessary, to challenge me and point out what I'm capable of, to "walk in a manner worthy of the call I have received." A community that is looking at the same horizon, and in charity ushering one another along. Of course, this is part of what attracted me here, but it's more than I saw before. 

3. Third, also related to the first, and to the second, is that I didn't realize the severity or the extent of personal reconciliation that I need. I have been spending a ton of time on my self, but i've been finding more and more how necessary it is. It's interesting our desire to change to world (I always get pumped up by songs about changing the world, I don't know about you). But, it can also be a mere diversion from changing ourselves. What is it that we seek to change about the world anyways? What does that mean? It implies there are problems, crisis to "change". Where to the problems come from? I think its pretty simple (perhaps another time) that it all comes back to decisions that humans make, and more accurately, the heart of the human being. So, if I want to go change the world, but I myself have ruptures within myself, I will unavoidably project these ruptures onto the world (you can only hide them for so long). On that note, if I want to change to world, I really mean that I wish to change the hearts of humanity, and how unfair/ignorant/prideful to say I'm going to change other people's hearts but I'm not going to put the effort in to change my own. Furthermore, in doing this personal work, along with the openness of the dynamic in the community, I'm seeing this personal reconciliation is something everyone needs.

Just to clarify, its not like you need to be perfect before you walk out into the world. Our personal reconciliation doesn't happen if we remained scrolled up. It's just that we can't ignore our personal necessity when we look at the world.

4. Finally the fourth, related to the third, which is related to the first and the second, is that this need for personal reconciliation has led me to see the need for Christ in my life. A human response for human problems. I caught myself bluffing actually, when I thought to myself that I'm going all in for what God is asking of me. In reality, I see myself greatly respecting God's opinion (of course, he's all-knowing and all-loving), and I take God's suggestion's along the way, but to say that I've completely surrendered to God's will in my life is simply not where I'm at. I can think of many reasons to trust God, but I know where my heart is at, and sometimes I just wanna do what I wanna do. Working toward self-abandonment.. 

I'm gonna throw in a recommendation for what its worth: take time to write an autobiography at some point in your life. I'm discovering a ton. I also want to share a song that I really connected with while I was writing my autobiography. I'm not sure what the song is meant to communicate, I've never been especially artistic, but i'll share how it moved me briefly.


I Giorni - Ludovico Einaudi 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2K7D-uMH2g
(just ignore the hippo haha)

It expresses to me that most of the games we play make no sense. There’s no reason to continue playing them. I won't play anymore, and you don't have to either. It’s relieving for me; it’s the freedom of authenticity. The facades we put up are just wasting our energy, and they're not making things better. They're only bringing you more misery, more isolation. Throw down the masks, be who you are. Confront the lies. Lay down the burden. Walk in the truth.