Reevaluating

Gringos on top of the bell tower: Ian, Greg, Carl, David, & Me

As I said previously, the first few days here have been rich with discovery on multiple levels for me: culturally, linguistically, spiritually and personally. There is something about removing ourselves from a familiar environment and into something foreign. What I have found is that it fosters a reevaluation of everything we previously knew almost instinctively, and a realization of what is merely superficial and does not belong in our understanding of our core identity. While it's difficult for me to put into words, I wanted to share a few examples that flow from my experience only in the first week of being here, though certainly I myself have not made very definite conclusions. 

The first tendency I noticed is "calculating". While learning the ropes of the combi system with the other 2 gringos, we had several discussions about our culture. One was sparked due to the fact that it is much more efficient to pay for combi's, and even lunch, if just one person pays. Well naturally, when the first person payed for our first combi ride, the other 2 of us were already calculating that this would mean another one of us would pay the next, and the other the next, so that everything even out. Well, Ian also offered to pay for drinks at place along the coast we stopped at. Once again, I carefully took note of how much my drink cost so that I could find another time (perhaps lunch) to cover something of about the same value. But, as agreed on in our discussion, it was simply that Ian wanted to offer a gift to us. A gift, that is, something that does not require "calculating" or "justice", it's simply charity. 

While this is not necessarily evil, I found that it does tend to make my relationships more utilitarian. So, we agreed as a group that we would simply try to accept one another's charity without calculating. Sure, we would try to give our part, but we would not add up the bill at the end of the day to make sure everyone paid their fair share. This was really pretty relieving, and I think that it greatly helped the dynamic of our friendship. There was no worry of someone "having something on you" because they paid for you, and that you would be in debt to them until you paid back every last penny. But, you cannot pay one penny extra (which is also a tendency), because otherwise you will "have something" on the other person. And, I think once I was able to see these things as simply gift, the gratitude flowed more naturally as well. 

Don't get me wrong, my tendency did not just disappear like some fairy tail, but at least I have a new awareness. It is as every conversion starts and continues. It was still painful for me to let go of at the end of the day, but hey, pain is just weakness leaving the body right? 

The other big realization I have had came through my discussions with Patrick, and is something that reveals itself through any dialogue we have. That is, how we identify ourselves. Often times we claim something superficial as a cornerstone of our identity, and it hardens us to dialogue. You notice with people who have sought out and understand their identity only in light of what they have found to be true, there is no tension in dialogue. They do not fall to one side out of fear, that is, a sort of insecurity because their identity is in something superficial. Rather, they can calmly confront the issue, because they do not fear what truth could come from the dialogue. 

During the Marian Procession

For example, if we are talking about Catholic Social Teaching, often times (in the U.S.) the two party system hardens us to dialogue. The problem is that we are claiming our party as our identity, rather than our catholicity, or simply our common desire for the good. When we understand our identity as something deeper than Democrat or Republican, we can engage in inter-party dialogue with little fear.

Well why do we even claim an identity? Wouldn't it make sense to simply surrender our identity all together so that we do not become hardened, set in our ways? Well, I don't think you can ignore our fundamental longing to know ourselves. It is that desire that moves us to insecurity when we don't know ourselves, that if not understood we will claim something superficial as our identity. Because we need this; it does not seem wise to ignore it. 

Perhaps I am rambling at this point, but I did want to share that I believe shifting to another culture has given me an awareness of some things that I identify with that are superficial, simply a product of the culture. It has also reignited in me a desire to know myself on a deeper level. I encourage you, as is inscribed in the Greek temple in Delphi, to "gnōthi seautón," that is, "know thyself." Thus far I have found that I am a beloved child of God, and that, well, so are you :)