Gifts from God

I have much to be thankful for as of late, so many gifts and so much generosity from so many people on so many levels in so many ways. 

HOME

First there was a short but treasured visit from not just two sisters of mine, but two of my favorite people. We were able to make a pilgrimage to the center of Lima and reflect on the lives of the saints, interestingly enough all growing up together or crossing paths in some way. In the same way we found time to share our thoughts and experiences, to edify one another, and to dare each other to live the life of a saint today. We also found ourselves accompanied by several living examples of saints that you find in the Sodalit family: from consecrated men and women, to the family that hosted Emily and Kimberly in their house, to the families of Pamplona Alta that invited us over for lunch. We got to know Lima, the Christian Life Movement, and each other.

Above all, it was an experience of the portable home: the family. I first came to Lima knowing very few people, and the people I knew I did not know well. Since then has been a process of entering/building a community here, in this other realm of my life in which I have come to know so much about myself. Well, sometimes it is difficult to connect two realities that seem to contrast so much, but I know that somehow I’m still the same person, even thought the surroundings I’ve used to identify myself without for so long have changed. Having Emily and Kimberly visit helped me to connect the two realities, they helped to bring home to Peru, and even though it was a short time, I can still feel more at home here in Peru, more at home in my community, and more at home with who am I: a Sodalit. Isn’t “home” really the experience we all long for?

WORLD YOUTH DAY

Well, their visit really deserves its own blog, but my lack of commitment to my blog combined with an abundance of gifts means there is much to say and I must move on! Well, they do overlap as Kimberly also came with the Christian Life Movement for World Youth Day!

First, it was certainly different than any retreat, conference, or pilgrimage I have ever experienced.

The streets, sidewalks, buses, and beaches were overflowing with noisy Catholic youth. The locals were understandably dumbfounded, but excited to welcome us, to ask us where we were from and what in the world (haha) we were up to, and even offered much-needed directions in navigating the city of 10 million.  There were blue, yellow, and green backpacks everywhere you went, mobs of youth playing music, dancing and singing, encounters that would normally be awkwardly inhibited by language barriers but instead an instance of exchanging souvenirs, a prayer, and perhaps a picture together. All the while, Christ the Redeemer gazed in silence from Corcovado, delighting in his flock, at last gathered together.

A few hours of sleep each night, on the floor where ever you could spot an opening, a humble bathroom with cold showers to share with a multitude, public bathrooms available for those willing to make a 3-hour wait, the sanitation questionable: but all a worthy sacrifice for celebrating mass in Copacabana beach with 3 million other youth from around the world and listening intently to our Holy Father. 

The message resounded throughout World Youth Day, from the daily catechesis with the bishops to the address from Pope Francis: the youth are not simply the future of the Church; the youth play a vital role in the Church and the world of today. The pope insisted on the youth being protagonists in the world, to stop leaving it to others to fill the roll. We cannot keep waiting in line, observing from the balcony in fear, but we must dive in, play on offense. He asked us to reflect with him in silence: Do I have the courage to swim against the tide, or am I a coward? Am I apathetic to the challenges the world faces? Do I pray, or I am frightened by silence? Even though we may feel hopeless before the “rocks, thorns, and weeds” of our heart, the Pope insisted that we always find a tiny piece of good ground for the seed of Jesus to enter. Allow it to grow, and God will nurture it.

I got to see the Pope twice, as he passed by in the popemobile. Even though I could barely see him even on the giant television screen, he was very close to us in his words and gestures.

Some find themselves wondering (I did anyways) if it was worth all the trouble, discomforts, waiting in line, coming home sick, and the security risks. The question arose in me: what did I personally gain from this gathering of the masses? But in asking this question I discovered the true spirit of the pilgrimage: it’s not about me. The mission we have been entrusted with, it is a mission we share with people all over the world, throughout all of history. It is not some neat project, a personal ambition through which we build a good reputation for ourselves, but it is the mission of the Church, the mission entrusted to Peter and the apostles by Jesus himself, and for a few days we gather again to hear from Peter’s successor, to share our stories, and be sent back out to make disciples of all nations.

THE RETURN TO LIMA

Coming back to Lima was very difficult for me for several reasons, and the climate contrast between Rio and Lima expresses quite well my interior experience. It was back to Lima: gray, wet, dirty, and noisy. I had also spent the last 3 weeks speaking mostly in English, and it felt good for communicating not to be a chore, but it was a headache getting back into the Spanish. I had lost any form of rhythm, and also many of the daily responsibilities, so it took a bit of tugging to getting the gears turning again.

My Parish in Lima

At the same time I discovered that perhaps it is the biggest gift of all, and perhaps most arguably from God. I tend to be a skeptic when it comes to the topic: What do you thank God for and what do you thank others for? How do you distinguish coincidence and natural science from God’s providence? If the sun comes out, is it a gift from God? Then if it doesn’t come out, God is not happy with us? How do you justify suffering? How do you call an abundance harvest a blessing from God when millions of others are passing through a drought? Well, when I encounter a problem I try to solve it, and when I encounter a mysterious I ask from my knees. I think part of the mystery is expressed in the words “I humbly receive” (see my sister’s blog http://emilyruskamp.blogspot.com/2013/07/reflection-on-japan-2-itadakimasu-i.html). But the mysterious drives me crazy sometimes, and it urges me forward, and I insist that God teach me what logic is followed.

With the group from my parish in Lima at Corcovado (Christ the Redeemer)

Well, I can tell you that not having what I want from my surroundings has certainly forced me to search interiorly. I used to think about more superficial motivations for following my vocation. But when the activities I like doing disappeared, I realize that perhaps they were more of a distraction. Perhaps I was not getting to the core of the vocation (even if understanding intellectually).  Perhaps my heart was still in another place, because no matter what the surroundings, a prison or an open field, the heart of the vocation remains, and that is love and faithfulness to the One who calls me. And this has allowed me to rethink how I understand God’s presence in the world and in my life.

I haven’t gotten it nailed down yet, which I’m not sure is the point, but I think God’s blessings are more like manna. Of course, manna is what God feed the Isrealites with in the desert, and if you’ve followed the readings lately, you see that the manna was not exactly a delicacy (and you will also understand how the readings have been just for me). In fact, they preferred what they were fed as slaves in Egypt. But still, they were God’s gifts, and I think that’s where we need to look. Not just where we don’t expect, but even what we consider to be God’s absence, God’s failure to respond.

And once we are able to recognize it as a gift, there are no more excuses or complaining, just be humble and receive, be thankful, and be happy! We discover freedom and love, and our reality is transformed. Of course its all founded in trust, which is not easy, but “poco a poco”, right?

And I will finally end by sharing a poem I wrote the other day about my experience:

Gifts from God

The sky is gray and the air cold and soggy,

The honking is relentless and the fumes suffocating,  

The tongue is difficult and speaking becomes a task,

The culture is mysterious and foggy like the weather.

My limitations become evident; control is beyond hope,

The apostolate is not what I once knew; the community is imperfect.

So easy it is to pick out the flaws,

So easy to point and critique.

As if I prefer to be miserable,

As if I prefer to complain to God:

“See, you don´t love me!

See, it was deception from the beginning!”

But it is not uncommon, this experience of skepticism,

It’s really quite human; I’ve seen and heard it before.

It’s the cry of Israel, the cry against their God.

The God that delivered them out of Egypt, into the desert,

The God that nurtured them with manna,

And the God that brought them water from a rock.

What a gift the manna must have been!

Lost in the desert, yet saved by the Father’s providence!

They must have been worried about starving,

They must have rejoiced in God at the appearance of the manna.

Not so, in fact, but quite the opposite:
"But now we are famished; 
We have nothing to look forward to but this manna."                                                  

But don’t you see, Isreal? How could you not recognize the gifts of God?

Can you be so obstinate? Can you be so blind?

What more proof do you want? What more shall God do?

Do you really want to be loved? Do you really want to be happy?

All you must do is consent to God’s love.

All you must do is become like children.

Perhaps God’s generosity follows another logic,

And perhaps we must look with eyes of faith.

The gifts of God are abundant, beautiful, perfect,

But not an abundance of what we asked for,

Not beautiful like the beauty of the life we once knew,

Not the perfection we demand from our surroundings.

Such are the gifts from our loving Father,

Such is the logic that we must learn.

For, “Would you hand your son a stone when he asks for a loaf of bread,

Or a snake when he asks for a fish?”

Yet, “Many are the troubles of the just.”

And, “Power is made perfect in weakness”.

All that remains is our response; how will you answer?

Do you accept God’s gift, give thanks for your daily bread?

If you would but yield, you will share in the Master’s joy.

For you who accept, you will discover you heart’s desire:

The freedom of a childlike trust in the Father,

The freedom to love, and the freedom to be loved. 

Well, just in case you prefer Laura Story, I think she is contemplating something similar. Her voice is much prettier than mine in any case!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

Where are we going?

So lately I've had a few spare moments to sit and reflect and write a bit, so I thought I'd share a recent reflection of mine. I don't know that its complete, especially because its not one isolated reflection but something that comes up again and again, each time a little more clear. Also, I wrote this reflection to myself, I guess I just find it the easiest way to clear up my ideas. But, I thought I'd open up my reflection to ya'all.

What sparked my reflection is a very definitive aspect of the peruvian culture, a basic way of interacting here. It is simple: when you arrive at an event, or when you cross paths with someone, you always greet everyone individually. When you leave, you say goodbye to everyone individually. It takes a little more time, and sometimes it bothers me because I just have one tiny little errand to run and then I add 10 minutes to completing the task.

I was also thinking about my schedule and how to best take advantage of this year as an aspirant in Lima, and through experiences of sometimes frustration and sometimes joy, I started re-evaluated my "schedule". I started seeing all the people in the "path" of my schedule, and how little I was paying attention to them.

From there I leave you with my reflection on "progress":

Well, lets consider a few definitions of progress before diving in: 1) forward or onward movement toward a destination, or 2) advance or development toward a better, more complete, or more modern condition. Both definitions, one of the physical reality and one of a condition, contain 2 elements: 1) an end and 2) getting closer to that end.

Let me now ask something more basic: Why are we questioning what progress is in the first place? Why do we seek progress? Why is it important for us? Can we live a happy life without progress?

I assert, from a purely existential point of view, that the current condition of the human is not “fulfilled”. We seek progress because we are not fulfilled, thus we must advance or progress toward this fulfillment. Every human being has the experience of not being fulfilled, and in many different ways we seek “progress”. Some examples: Working your way up in your job (promotion), working your way up in social class, advancing through your studies, working for a more just economic system, progressing toward “equal rights”, improving relationships, etc. Sometimes to remind ourselves that we are making progress, or to help satisfy that lack of fulfillment, we make a checklist that “reassures” us that we are making progress and thus approaching that fulfillment. None of these are bad, but at a certain point I think we need to stop and ask: What am I progressing toward? What are these longings for advancement that I have? Am I really progressing? When will I be fulfilled? When I get out of high school and escape to the college life? When I finish my college degree and get out into the real world? When I work my way up in the real world to the point of having a stable job and comfortable income? When I find the right man/woman to settle down with and start a family? When I can finally speak fluidly this language I am learning? When I reach the finish line of this marathon?

Do you see me? I am one among 14,000, so probably not! 

Ah, the marathon example. Let’s reflect on that a bit. In the recent half marathon that I ran, during the race I was always set on the finish line, as if there lie my eternal reward. Just keep running, just hold out a little longer, keep the pace, finish strong through the finish line! And I do remember quite vividly the gratification of achieving the goal, of crossing the finish line and meeting the goal I had set for time. It was really gratifying because the race was so long! Almost 2 hours running. But I had fought, a long and difficult battle, and I came out victorious. It was really gratifying. I just soaking in the moment for a while. And then… well, and then I started thinking about running a full marathon. I experienced fulfillment in that moment, but it couldn’t hang onto it. That sensation, that satisfaction slowly slipped through my arms, and I couldn’t hang onto it! I saw that I wasn’t fulfilled anymore. I was happy, but it wasn’t enough, I need more. I need a bigger challenge now: a full marathon. Then I will be happy. Or maybe it will be a similar experience?

Why do I ask this question now? Well, I think many people have the question, but it’s not the easiest question to answer, and so sometimes its better that it remain vague and unbothered. But we can’t hide the question forever. We find ourselves before the great adventure of life, yet awkwardly and a bit embarrassed asking the same question as Pippin when the Fellowship of the Ring begins: Where are we going?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NICSLDQwwAo

I think this is what happens to many people when they reach midlife and haven’t yet answered that question… we called that a midlife crisis.

I think many of us enter a midlife crisis because our whole life has been based on values of progress, and having passed half our time on earth the see what little “progress” we can make. We experience our own limitedness, and began to ask questions like: Does progress even exist? If it does, what are we progressing towards? The top of the business world? The highest achievement board? The longest list of friends? The best fit body? The most comfortable lifestyle? The highest level of scholarship? The dean’s list? Why can’t I seem to reach a state of fulfillment, of being content? I recall an old poster I had of a band called “Staind” that says, “progress is illusion”. I’m not exactly sure what they meant, but perhaps they started catching on to this “progress” that doesn’t lead us where we think: to our own happiness. Yes, ultimately we strive for progress in whatever terms we understand it (business, knowledge, popularity, accomplishment) because we carry and underlying belief that this “advancement” will lead us to be more fulfilled, happier, and will give meaning to our lives.

Our own limitedness and the shortness of our lives is sometimes a smacks in the face. We find that we are not yet “happy”, and that the only meaning is to continue “advancing”, but because my life will end soon, what do my “advancements” really mean in the bigger picture? Advancement toward what? Or perhaps the better question is: What kind of progress leads to the fulfillment I long for? Ah! I didn’t even know I had that longing. Another question: What is that longing?

A quote from Pope Francis: “This verb, to promote: yes, it is a nice verb and one we must use in the Church. Yes, He was promoted to the Cross, He was promoted to humiliation. That is true promotion [advancement], that which makes us seem more like Jesus!"

The Christian understands progress, as the Pope mentions, in a radically different way than the our culture. Christ teaches this to his disciples as they dispute about which is the greatest among them. But the Christian doesn’t just throw the idea of progress out the window as a mere skeptic, rejecting all our culture talks about, but reflects and purifies what real progress is: growing in humility.

Humility is walking in truth, and so “growing” in humility is living ever closer and in conformation with the truth. But we don’t mean to say “truth” as in a list of declarations, like the 10 commandments or the dogmas of the Church, but we understand that “truth” is ultimately a person, meaning our longing for “truth” is most fundamentally a longing for communion. Because this person is infinite, our longing is for the infinite, and the progress we make never seems to be enough. But this is precisely what points us toward God, that we our not satisfied with something less than infinite, that we are made for the infinite.

So, progress is growing in humility, which conforming ourselves to Christ. Progress is becoming more and more like Christ, which only happens through communion, through love, relationship. If my relationship with God, with myself, and with “neighbors” (all those I come across in my path) is deepened, I am making progress, and if not, any other “worldly” progress, though good in itself, is devoid of all meaning and can even become destructive. We see this manifested in a very concrete way in the injustices of the world today amidst the wave of technological advancement.

You can even go so far as to say that with a merely horizontal vision, progress is pure illusion, and that the only true progress comes to us from the supernatural. Why? Because that is our end: eternal relationship with God. If there is no “end”, if there is no truth, than the progress I make in my life is fooling myself into believing I’m making progress (because I avoid the question “what end am I progressing toward?”). Remember, the definition of progress implies an end, a destination or ideal.

Fulfillment comes through communion, through fellowship, through solidarity, through intimacy with others. This can be a very challenging statement, especially when we think of progress only in terms of self. I am not capable of fulfilling my self. If I make some of the most incredible advancements in my work, if I learn 10 languages, if I work out 2 hours every day, if I maintain the perfect diet, if I organized 6 fundraisers to combat homelessness, if I… forget about the people connected to my checklist than I will never be satisfied with my list of “accomplishments”. But you know what, it means my list of “accomplishments” will be shorter. This bothers me for a second, but then I remember that the accomplishments (even noble ones) will never be enough, and so they really aren’t requirement for my fulfillment. Communion is required for my fulfilled, and communion cannot always be categorized neatly on a checklist. It cannot be conquered or dominated, but just encountered, as a mystery. And I think even in our relationships we will find ourselves faced with limits, never quite fully satisfied, and that is why in the end it is not just relationships with our neighbors, but a relationship with a God that is infinite. That is the direction of my "unfolding"; that is my end.

Top: Alfredo, Ernesto, Father Gilmer, Father Juan Carlos, Ernesto, 
Father Jaime, Leonardo. Bottom: Rodrigo, Me, Sean, Chris 

So as not to be end too theoretical, to come down to earth, I guess I finish by considering: What moments in my life have I experienced fulfillment? And in what I’ve discovered is truly fulfilling, am I pursuing that with all my heart, orienting my entire life, down to my daily schedule, around it? Isn’t it worth the risk?

Bebo Norman - "Here Goes" talks about taking the risk :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S97O9395rgc

The Horizon

So I’ve been thinking it’s about time I recommit myself to my blog. I guess in part that’s because I had the chance to visit you all at home and well, that’s basically the point of my blog! But, I’m back in Lima all settled in and things are getting into a pretty good rhythm!

I have to say the visit was a good chance to step back from everything I was doing here, reflect, and simply remember what brought me here in the first place. Much of my understanding of my call is the context of my life in Nebraska. Though I received several graces and learned and grew so much in my first 5 months here, the dynamic of my life is just so much different that it was difficult to understand my vocation in the same way.

That is not necessarily a bad thing, and it has certainly led me to reexamine and purify my reasons for being here, and “get back to the basics” of Christian life in several ways.

I was certainly excited to see everyone, though I must say I didn’t anticipate needing to say goodbye to everyone again.

Steak Dinner at Home-with everyone! (My mom is taking the photo)

Perhaps I can outline very practically a bit of my horizon for the next several months as summer vacations are just finishing now. I’ll do it bullet point style to try to remain faithful to my formation as an engineer!

·      Spanish Class 2 hours/day. I’ve decided to hire a cheaper, private professor (not that my classes were to expensive before) and one that lives closer by, and in general hopefully it will be a little easier and more efficient. By “one that lives closer by” I mean to say that class takes place in my room at my desk. If you haven’t guessed yet, I’m the professor J. Well, I find lessons online and read books can always can helped from the 10 people I live with that speak Spanish. And well, the listening exercise happens all day long in everything else I do.

The group of altar boys. To kick of the year we hiked up a
little mountain in Lima while praying the stations of the cross. 

·      Altar Boys. We’ve had a group of altar servers at the parish that for some time has always been led by a gringo (not sure how that tradition started, not that its important). Anyways, we usually meet on Saturday afternoons for a couple hours, and then there are masses most of the day Sunday so I just accompany them a bit as they come and go.

·      Domini Architects. So I must admit in coming down here I had pretty much no intent of using my engineering degree (other than practical ways like critical thinking, objective thinking, etc). But, it just so happens there is a Sodalit that started an architectural firm in Lima and could use some help. Well, I have pretty much no experience as an engineer or architect, but after thinking about it and talking with several people it seems like a good opportunity. At least I will get a glance at what this kind of work would look like as a Sodalit. So, the plan is to work there 3 days a week.

·      Aspirant Formation. I will meet probably twice a week with a group of 5 aspirants (first step of the discernment). These meetings can take on a variety of shapes, but basically we learn about the Sodalit style and spirituality and each other and ourselves and how all those relate. Some days are intense, some are more laid back, but I’m excited to get started with these again. We also have mass once a week just for the aspirants in Lima.

·      Religion Class. There is a school nearby call “Roosevelt” (not kidding), and all the classes are in english (well, except spanish class). I’m going to teach 11-12 year olds one day a week. If you have any pointers I’m all ears!

·      Water the Lawn. This perhaps is not essential to my formation, but some nonetheless that God as asked of me during my time here. So, I spend about 45 min a day watering the lawn (its several small sections, so sprinklers don’t work really well).

·      Half Marathon. Some of the other guys I live with have invited my to run a marathon (well, uhm, half!) so we usually go running in the mornings. Though I don’t much enjoy waking up early or running, I have always found it to be very good for me. Also, the communal aspect of pushing each other to offer the best of what you got and conquer your will is, though in the moment far from pleasant, in deeper sense quite beautiful and very fulfilling.

Of course there will be also time for prayer, for intellectual reading, for talking with other Sodalits, other aspirants, etc. which will also be essential, if not more important for my “unfolding” this year.

I hope to continue sharing stories and reflections along the way!